God is not like that

I'm writing a quick blog at this very moment in between my preparation for my accomplishment report for June 2017 (which is for submission tomorrow)...

So I went out at 8:00pm tonight to do a little unwinding walk around Ortigas CBD. The air that kissed my face and touched my hair is so cool and relaxing I wanted to float in slumber. So while walking, I felt some strange feeling that some not so good news would reached me anytime now. That kind of feeling that when i get back home I will know what is it all about. Walking, sight seeing (on the well-lit giant buildings surrounding me, observing people who passed me by and whom I passed by like I'm invisible and like they are invisible ( in my eyes). I sit for like an hour in Ortigas Park, I enjoyed my freedom, the free cool air that embraces me, the chill ambiance. Sitting, thinking (of everything and practically nothing),observing, thinking. Then I got bored and suddenly craved for some sugar. I ended up hitting McDonald's Hot Fudge haha.😄

So anyway, my more or less two-hour walk outside somehow ease out the humid feels I've been feeling the whole day (due to the weather I guess). I got inside my place and then the not so good news came. I wouldn't tell what it is but it's just a "U-turn" to where I thought I'm going. An unexpected "about face" of what I was trying to accomplish for months. I'm not disappointed or super discouraged. I was just sad because I thought this door of opportunity would open up for me. But it seems like it isn't the right door for me to enter.

It's weird but honestly the first thought that entered my mind after i got the news was this "you sinned and God is punishing you that's why you didn't make it" and I was like "what was that?' Then i took time remembering all the recent sins I have committed and I felt guilty and at some point agreed to that devilish voice inside my head saying I'm being punished. I prayed silently asking for forgiveness from the Lord. I always do that whenever I feel guilty because I know/thought I did something wrong whether I'm aware of it or not. "Father, please forgive me" was my prayer.

Then I talked to a trusted friend about how I felt at the moment. I shared to her my weird thoughts. And she said "GOD IS NOT LIKE THAT" ---that made me paused for a minute and contemplate. "Oo nga noh?" Yeah, right! God is not actually like that, that the moment you sin or did something wrong he will automatically punish you or reprimand you. Then God by His grace sends me an immediate comfort, a saving truth from that devilish convincing voice through the verse PSALM 103:10:

 

He  (God) does not treat us as our sins deserve

    or repay us according to our iniquities.

It's like I'm having an astral projection moment and suddenly my spirit was slammed back to my earthly body. The verse comforted me and enabled me to remember the bygones of God's grace and faithfulness inspite of my being a terrible sinner. Yes, it's true, God doesn't treat us on how much we sinned against Him and how we messed up with Him. Because if God  based His decision from our iniquities, we were all dead a long time ago. I whispered another prayer, "God please forgive me for I have doubted you." 

I'm comforted tonight. And I'm pretty sure that when the morning comes, I'm a happy bird as always. I would get up from my nest and flap my wings and fly out for the day's call.💋. Tonight will just be any other normal night of my life wherein I give it all to God and go to sleep.

Thanks to my friend Bea who lead me to that beautiful truth of who God is ( which I know for years but its good to be freshen up with the firmity of God's Word)  and to Allen who gave gentle "pat in a back" like reminder "Don't let that discouraged you. This door may not have opened but God has another door for you. God's will for your life will be fulfilled." And with that, I say, AMEN.

Goodnight loves and thank you for reading this quick unplanned blog. Hope God's story in my day to day life and experiences inspires you and gets you closer to Him. Ya'll are blessed!👆👍 

Obedience vs. Your Heart's Desire

It's been a long time since I posted a new entry to my blog page. I've been preoccupied with many things---at work basically, that even when my brain and my hands would tell me to grab my laptop and start typing my thoughts, I simply ignored the urges. But now, after I was encouraged by my dear friend Bea to go back to writing articles and songs, I'm motivated again :)

Anyway, I just to wanna share with you guys, what the Lord has done in my life recently. Though the struggle has been going on for like two years, it was just recently that finally God by His grace enable me to fully surrender the biggest baggage of my life to Him.

Obedience vs. your heart's desire is the topic that I want to share to you as this is so related to my current  situation. The talk with Bea is indeed a meaningful and sensible one.This friend of mine, shared to me the wisdom God has given to her for me to realize that I've been walking in the dark alley of my life, refusing to go out where there is light. Refusing to acknowledge the real struggle---the heart of the matter and pretending everything is going to be alright.

Last January 2016, during the prayer and fasting week in our church, I talked to our Pastor and shared to him my biggest struggle. I'm pretty sure that this was a struggle because it's going against God's commandments. But since I'm the kind of person who would want to take a risk and do things my way, hoping fate would favor me, I didn't stopped. I continued. The longer I allow myself to swim along the current of this messed up life, the more broken and hurt and sad I become. By the grace of God, I didn't explode nor had a serious depression problem. Praying, reading the Bible and talking to trusted Christian friends helped me stay on track.

My heart would tell me, "don't stop". "Fight for what you love. Don't be afraid to take the risk." But my mind would contradict my heart: "Don't fool yourself. Sin, no matter how big or small, no matter your intentions are-good or bad is still a sin. You wouldn't be living a happy life knowing that you are fighting God's will in your life. You are being disobedient here, Dove" So i was confuse. I prayed and prayed, read the Bible, seek godly advice but none of these ease the suffocating feeling boiling deep inside me. I'm so fed up. I'm so exhausted. My situation and the cause of my struggle zapped the energy and joy out of me. It took me some time before I realize that when you are nurturing "respectable sins" in your life, peace of mind and happiness became elusive. So i look back to the cross, and remember why did Jesus died for me? What did He saw in me, that He decided I'm worth dying for? Then I was taken back, in the old times, I saw myself fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator. Holding me precious in His sight. A bunch of promises from my Maker, flashed in my memory. I recall them one by one. I started to regain my strength. It awakened my slumbering faith. I was recharged spiritually.

My heart's desire would want to keep this source of struggle, to stay in my life. At some point, it made me happy at another point it made me sad. I invested so much and I felt entitled so loosing my grip seemed to be impossible for me that time. But I was also convicted by the Holy Spirit as to what is the right thing to do. Would you grant the desire of your heart and continue living in sin and disobedience or would you be willing to give up, surrender him to the Lord and choose to obey God. Obedience to God brings blessings. Blessings you can never imagine how good it is.Obedience to God is an act of faith, a big step of trust, boldly saying, "God, you know who I am and what I want. I surrender my struggle to you. And i trust you that your will is still the perfect one for me."

We actually don't need to take matters in our own hands. The Bible says,

God “will repay each person according to what they have done.” To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger." (Romans 2:6-8) Surrender your baggage of heartaches and disappointments , your bitterness and hatred, your failures and fears. Not all battles in life are worth fighting for. Not all people in your life are worth keeping. People who doesn't add up to your life, rather subtracts and divides your life into pieces.God's will won't let you exerted so much effort just to have it. It will come at your most, relaxed and convenient time. You don't need to chase after it, maintain it with financial expenses and feel like you are oblige to do your best just to keep it. God's will, once you have it, can never be taken by anyone else away from you. God's will is nothing but the best.

So choose obedience over your heart's desire. "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" (Jeremiah 17:9) Our hearts can deceive us into something good but apparently bad. When you obey God over your human nature desires, it brings  blessings to your life.

“Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”(Luke 11:28) Still, we are given the free will to choose. You can choose the desires of your heart and take the risk or you can choose to obey God and let Him do the rest.

Some thoughts way back...

I love this verse in the Bible, in Psalms 37:7 it says, " Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry our their wicked schemes." This is so true, sometimes we (I personally) become impatient in waiting when we want to do something instantly. We like to climb the ladder of success from bottom to top in just a short period of time. We expedite things because it's crazy to wait for how long, you don't know. There are times that we feel bit envious when we see others succeeded in just a short period of time.  God spoke to me, telling me to be still and to trust Him because He knows what's going on in my life. And even my future, He is sure that I am well taken care of.

I'm kind of bothered the past few days. I struggled because I'm over thinking things and concurring events in my life. My mind is restless. This is not good, health wise. To ease my burden, I started talking to my Christian friends and some trusted friends on what's going on with me. One friend lovingly,reminded me that what I gave to others, is not mine but God's. I'm only a steward of what God gave me. And if people outwit me or steal from me, they are stealing from God. The devil put this lie in my heart that helping (financially) the person I hardly know is plain stupidity. The devil destroyed my peace, feeding me negative thoughts and a number of  "what ifs." The devil sowed seeds of doubt in my heart making me ask myself, "did i do the right thing?" But  I know I did the right thing because the moment I decided to help the person, the burdened I carried the whole night (thinking and praying how can I help) faded away. I really felt the urgency to do something to help this person. And so I did. God knew what's in my heart. Why I do that. I know the feeling of wanting to achieve something important or wanting to make something happen but you can't because you don't have the resources? I know the feeling of having nothing but some good people unexpectedly helped me. When I was confined in the hospital few years ago, I don't have a single penny to pay the hospital bills so I can be discharged. Where did the P45,000 cash came from? It's God's provision through various people He prompted to help me financially. It was an answered prayer. And it only proved that in my nothingness God showed His greatness. Where did my healing came from? It's from the Great Healer of all times. Where did my provision came from? It's from the Great Provider who is always on time---Jesus.